Short Stories, Poems and Life

What I Learned In College

Someone told me the more you learn the more you’ll earn, so I enrolled in college. The first thing I learned was some of the professors were stupid-stupid-stupid. In my first class the professor was teaching Pi r squared. I raised my hand. The professor said what is it? I came back with everyone knows pies r round, cakes r square. I failed that class.

My next class was chemistry. The question there was, what are Nitrates? I replied Nitrates are cheaper than day rates. I failed that class.

Next was Algebra. The question there was, if an airplane leaving Anchorage, Alaska traveling 600 mile per hour bound for Bermuda and another plane leaving Montreal, Quebec traveling 700 miles per hour bound for Brazil which plane was closest to the equator when the Montreal plane crashed in Mexico City? I not only failed that class but now I’m afraid to fly.

Next was Math. That question was, if a fish and a half cost a cent and a half what would a boatload come to? I told the professor there is not enough information to make an intelligent calculation and I needed more info like how big was the boat, how many fish, was it salt or fresh water, the barometric pressure, the day and time and if there was a full moon. The correct answer was, to dock. I failed that class but filed a complaint and lost.

Next was Social Studies. That question was, why do fireman wear red suspenders? My answer, to keep their pants up. I was right. I got the question right but failed that class. I requested a re-count but lost. In the law class the question was, why is it illegal to hang a man with a wooden leg in Kentucky? The correct answer was you need a rope. I got it wrong Again failed. I requested a refund it was denied.

Things kept going like this. I got one out of ten and I thought that was good, the school did not. I was expelled. Worse I calculated if I paid back $100 per month it would take me 271/2 years to pay off my student loan.

My dad I asked me what I learned in college? I told him I learned how to take the cap off a beer bottle with my teeth. I guess medical school was out of the question?

2 thoughts on “What I Learned In College

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