In Quest of the Perfect Christmas Tree

Two weeks before Christmas my wife, three kids and I embark on our annual pilgrimage to find the perfect Christmas tree. Our specifications for the perfect tree are simple. It can’t be too tall or too short; not skinny but not fat and of highest important it can’t be too green.

Our first stop is at the little old man on the corner of the street we live on, with a half dozen Christmas trees. None of course met our requirements.

Next, we go to Our Lady of Hope, a local church where Boy Scout Troop 288 is selling trees. There were about several dozen trees but none measuring up to our standards.

From there we go to Christmas- Tree- A – Rama, a huge parking lot with perhaps 200 to 300 trees. Several hours later we leave without a tree.

My wife suggested we try Moneyville an area a few miles away consisting of mostly large mansions and some of the wealthiest people on the planet. I cautioned everyone the prices in Moneyville would be beyond our budget, but we went anyway.

Our first clue to price is a gentleman in a tux asking if we wanted espresso or cappuccino. When we asked if he had hot chocolate the look of disgust on his face would have stopped the bullet train.

As we wandered around, the crowd seemed to sense (I guess because of the way we were dressed and our old beat up car) we were not residents of Moneyville. This made us feel uncomfortable and not welcome.

At one tree display, an eight-foot creation covered with snowflakes made from Q-tips, a smooth-talking salesman approached advising us this tree, was on sale and the price was reduced to $1,200, not including delivery and set up. Of course, we declined.

We left rejected and decided we’d do our grocery shopping at the near by You-Bag-It chain. My wife and I were loading the shopping cart when the kids ran up all excited; they found our tree.

When we got the tree home my wife didn’t like it. She said it looked good in the store under the Florissant lights but not under the lights at home. It would not do and had to go. I was given the task of returning the tree to the store. I never returned a Christmas tree before and was not sure of the reaction I’d get at the Customer Service Department.

The store clerk informed me I couldn’t return the tree as no one ever returned a Christmas tree before and she was sure it was against their return policy. I asked to speak to the Manager. A grossly overweight gentleman with a walrus mustache waddled up to me and began to tell me it was against store policy to return Christmas trees.

I pointed to a sign on the wall stating: “an item along with the original receipt could be returned within thirty days for a full refund”. Blubber man insisted that didn’t apply to Christmas trees. I requested he show me in writing where their store return policy exempted Christmas trees. He asked why I was returning the tree and I told him because it was defective. He said what do you mean by defective? I said I’m returning it for medical reasons it has low SAP pressure. We agreed to a store credit in exchange for the tree.

The following day by helicopter we toured the Ponderosa. Over one thousand acres of Christmas trees and not one tree caught our eye.

About to give up we went home. While we were passing the little old man on the corner of the street, we live on we spotted it, the perfect tree. All was not lost, and Christmas now would be the best Christmas we’d have since last year. As we all decorated the tree, we commented to each other how lucky we are to find the perfect Christmas tree every year.